Ten (10) Signs You're in a Relationship With a Passive-Aggressive Narcissist

Communication Success
Ten (10) Signs You're in a Relationship With a Passive-Aggressive Narcissist

...Yes, you know what the words "Passive-Aggressive," "Narcissist" means. Thing is, if you're thinking it just means a guy who exclusively brags about his trust fund and never asks you any questions on a date, you might miss the  "Passive-Aggressive," narcissist right in front of you.

Turns out, not all "Passive-Aggressive," narcissists are insufferably entitled rich boys in sockless loafers. Plenty can seem like woke feminists who'll drink in every word you say more than any other man ever has...until they do a 180° and call you a bitch in the middle of a small fight, in public. 

Be on the lookout for these, before you get blindsided.

“Whatever!”

― Common passive-aggressive retort

“It’s your fault that I forgot…because you didn’t remind me!”

― Anonymous

“You’re going out looking like, THAT?”

― Anonymous

The NYU Medical Center defines a passive-aggressive narcissistic individual as someone who "may appear to comply or act appropriately, but actually behaves negatively and passively resists," for the world has to revolve around them, all benefits must be theirs. Passive-aggressive actions can range from the relatively mild, such as making excuses for not keeping a promise, oath or vows to the very serious, such as through covert and clandestine subterfuge, sabotaging someone’s life, well-being and/or success.

Most chronically passive-aggressive narcissistic individuals have four common characteristics: They’re unreasonable to deal with, they’re uncomfortable to experience, they rarely express their hostility directly, and they repeat their subterfuge behavior over time to sabatoge a relationship not in their favour. It's form of covert abuse.

How do you know when you’re in a relationship with a passive-aggressive narcissist?

The following are some telltale signs, with excerpts from my book ( click on title ): “How to Successfully Handle Passive-Aggressive People”. While most of us are guilty of some of the following behaviors at one time or another, a pathological passive-aggressive tends to dwell habitually in several of the following personas, while remaining largely unaware of ( or unconcerned with ) how his or her actions affect others. ...Yup! Dating a passive-aggressive narcissist and unpacking his or her behavior can feel incredibly damaging and exhausting—so here's a handy list of 11 signs you need to move on:

1.  The Silent Treatment/ The Cold Shoulder

Deliberately and unreasonably not communicating with you justified by some act you did or for that matter, didn't perform. In personal relationships, the purpose of the silent treatment is often intended to keep you off balance, to imply that you “did something wrong,” and that you’re being punished.

You're job of course is to review your life up to the moment in silence, until you determine what you did or didn't do, say or didn't say and this infraction could be real or imagined,perhaps you didn't read their, mind or something like that they left enough clues and hints

A variation of the silent treatment is to withhold love and affection. In this case, there is some communication, but the attitude and tone are curt and abrupt. Topics of conversation are superficial and unemotional. By withholding intimacy, the passive-aggressive narcissist sends the message that you have done something to displease her or him, and accordingly are now suffering the consequences*.

2. Saying "One Thing" and "Doing Another"

This is one of the most common types of passive-aggressiveness in relationships, especially in situations where two people have known each other for quite some time, and one has given up trying to work through certain issues. Here, saying “one thing” what's preceived to please the other person, is simply a way to avoid argument and confrontation. The passive-aggressive really doesn’t do it whatever acton is implied, and likely won’t follow-through.

Similarly, when someone repeatedly says “I can’t stop you from seeing your daughter” to reasonable requests, and provides multiple excuses, sets up a date to meet and renigs, or stands you up, it could simply mean that she does not want to take on the responsibility. By playing a relatively helpless role, the passive-aggressive hopes that someone else (perhaps you) will see the reality when the obligation is not fulfilled, or that the matter will simply be dropped.

2a.  Saying “Yes” but Meaning “No”

This is one of the most common types of passive-aggressiveness narcissist in relationships, especially in situations where two people have known each other for some time, and one has given up trying to work through certain issues. Here, saying “yes” is simply a way to avoid argument and confrontation. The passive-aggressive narcissist really doesn’t mean it, and likely won’t follow-through.

2b.  Saying “I Can’t” but Meaning “I Won’t”

Similarly, when someone repeatedly says “I can’t” to reasonable requests, and provides multiple excuses, it could simply mean that she does not want to take on the responsibility. By playing a relatively helpless role, the passive-aggressive narcissist hopes that someone else (perhaps you) will fulfill the obligation, or that the matter will simply be dropped.

3.  Brooding/ Simmering Resentment

Brooding can be defined as silent and prolonged unhappiness. Simmering resentment is anger unspoken and barely concealed.  In both cases, the issues are not expressed and dealt with directly. When you inquire whether something is wrong, the passive-aggressive narcissist may deny the upset, and retort with curt phrases such as: " I'm okay!" “nothing!” or “I’m fine!” But the negative attitude, tone of voice, and emotion betray the truth.  

4.  Procrastination

Unlike the saying “yes” but not following through characteristic discussed earlier, here the passive-aggressive narcissist does perform the task – eventually. By deliberately stalling, forgetting, making excuses, and undermining, the passive-aggressive narcissist demonstrates indirectly that he or she really doesn’t want to do the work. By frustrating you with delay tactics, the passive-aggressive narcissist presumes power, and hopes that you’ll give up expecting so much.

5.  Deliberate Negative Triggering

Sometimes a resentful passive-aggressive narcissistic partner will purposely push your buttons by engaging in activities she or he knows you don’t like. Examples may include disappearing for the weekend, and returning very late ( without calling ) after socializing, overspending, deliberately displaying unreasonable habits, or purposely engaging in contemptuous speech. Typically, these actions betray hostility about deeper issues not directly explored - the negative triggers are merely external symptoms of the passive-aggressive narcissists’ internal antipathy.

“Whenever I want to get back at my partner, I leave a mess in the house.”

― Anonymous

6.  Sarcasm

Some passive-aggressive narcissists like to make critical remarks, often disguised as humor, to either express their hostility towards you, or their displeasure about a situation. By making you look bad, and getting you to feel bad, the passive-aggressive hopes to impose and maintain psychological superiority over you. When confronted about the sarcasm, the passive-aggressive narcissist will typically deny her or his hostility by saying: "Just Joshing" "Just Joking" “Just kidding!” or “Can’t you take a joke?”

7.  Subterfuge/ Sabotage

Acts of passive-aggressive narcissitic sabotage are often intended to achieve a measure of power, vengence and/or revenge. In serious cases, they’re calculated to undermine your authority, confidence, reputation, success,  life and/or well-being. The subterfuge is performed clandestinely, hence it's covert abuse. Often, you have little or no idea what’s going on - only to find out after the damage is done. Infact you may take her and her lawyer planning this, to lunch or dinner and not know it.

Examples of passive-aggressive narcissistic sabotage include, but are not limited to negative gossip, ostracizing, social exclusion, backbiting, backstabbing, speaking with a forked tongue or double/ triple entendres, two faced, mixed messages, negative or discomforting surprises, negative contracts or actions and deliberately falling-through on promises, oaths and/ or vows – all of which are at your expense.

8.  Unreasonable Blaming

In a passive-aggressive narcissistic relationship, one partner might hold the other as primarily responsible for the passive-aggressive narcissistic’s happiness and success, and/or unhappiness and failures.

By targeting your emotional weaknesses, insecurities, inadequacies  and vulnerability, the passive-aggressive narcissist hopes to extort, coax, cajole and otherwise coerce you into ceding unreasonable requests, ultimatums and demands. The narcissistic passive-aggression here is a form of coercive manipulation, for the end justifies the means no matter how insipid.

“It’s your fault if I’m unhappy about our relationship, because you didn’t buy me what I wanted.” ( a house and a resort in the Philippines, like my sister got from her bf/ spouse or significant other )

― Anonymous

9.  Pretend Victimhood

Examples include exaggerated, orchestrated, manufactured or imagined personal issues. Exaggerated or imagined mental health issues. Exaggerated or imagined personal health issues. Dependency. Co-dependency. Deliberate frailty to elicit sympathy, empathy and favour.  Playing stupid, weak, frail, fragile, powerless, or a martyr.

Here, the narcissistic passive-aggression is manipulation and exploitation of the partner’s good will, kindness, guilty conscience, sense of duty and obligation, or protective and nurturing instinct, in order to extract unreasonable benefits and concessions, for themselves.

10.  Pretend Friendship

You travel a lot on business and return home on a visit, to find you're an "old friend" who is visiting for a short spell and you happen to be the spouse or significant other. You call the night before because you need permission to go home and say you're planning to jump into your vehicle and 10 hours over night to visit for the weekend. And then packs up and drives 150 miles to a cousin's house, so when you do get home no one is there.

Again, herein, the narcissistic passive-aggression is manipulation and exploitation of the partner’s good will, kindness, guilty conscience, sense of duty and obligation, or protective and nurturing instinct, in order to extract unreasonable benefits and concessions, for themselves.

First suggestion on their part when ya'll do get together, is "let's go to the mall," wherein you are an unwitting participant and expected to go for a shopping spree with significant other/ spouse and offspring and get stuck with the bill ( if you want any concession for yourself from them. )

BONUS 11.  Let's Pretend to be Friends

Similarly, you travel a lot on business and personal vacation, return home on a visit, to find you're an "old friend" who is visiting for a short spell and you happen to be the spouse or significant other. You call the night before because you need permission to go home and say you're planning to jump onto a plane the 'red eye express,'  fly in over night and you need to be picked up at the airport  so you can visit for the weekend. And then packs up and drives 450 miles to a aunt's house, so when you do get home no one is there.

In addition, apparently they have another relationship or is cheating on the significant other, they want to break up and as a consolation prize, they say, "We can still be friends" or "Let's just be friends," or "If you lived in the same neighborhood or city we could still see each other," but they have no intentions of continuing or resuming the relationship.

Again, herein, the narcissistic passive-aggression is manipulation and exploitation of the partner’s good will, kindness, guilty conscience, sense of duty and obligation, or protective and nurturing instinct, in order to extract unreasonable benefits and concessions, for themselves.

First suggestion on their part, when you do finally get together is, "Let's go to the mall," or "Let's go to that expensive trendy restaurant and have dinner, on me, " wherein you are an unwitting participant and expected to go for a shopping spree/ dinner date with significant other/ spouse and offspring and get stuck with the bill ( if you want any concessions or benefits for yourself from them. ) If this same individual wants to visit with spouse wherever they are in their travels,  they demand an eticket that's reimbursable upon arrival and of course all expenses paid, once they arrive. For everything has to benefit them and the world revolves around them.

It's like you ask your significant other for a dog, and you're not given neither a 'yes' or a 'no' on the gift, then the dog in question gets run over by a vehicle, and they say now you can have the dog.

Source: nipreston.com/publications

If you find yourself in a passive-aggressive nacissistic relationship, there are many strategies and skills you can utilize to help restore health, respect, and cooperation. In my book ( click on title ): ““How to Successfully Handle Passive-Aggressive People”, you will learn how to maintain composure, ways to be proactive instead of reactive, eight powerful strategies to handle passive-aggressive behaviors, how to set boundaries diplomatically but firmly, keys to effective communication in personal relationships, and seven types of power moves  you can utilize to compel cooperation.

Source: nipreston.com/publications

For tips on how Passive-Aggressive Narcissists can attain greater communication and relational effectiveness, see my book ( click on title ): “A Practical Guide for Passive-Aggressives to Change Towards the Higher Self”.

*This type of passive-aggressive narcissistic behaviour should be distinguished from the normal “cooling off” period after a dispute, where some healthy distance might be needed before reconnecting. A passive-aggressive uses the distance as emotional punishment, rather than restoration.