...Are You Dating a Narcissist? Here's How to Know for Sure

Yes, you know what the word "narcissist" means. Thing is, if you're thinking it just means a guy who exclusively brags about his trust fund and never asks you any questions on a date, you might miss the narcissist right in front of you.

Turns out, not all narcissists are insufferably entitled rich boys in sockless loafers. Plenty can seem like woke feminists who'll drink in every word you say more than any other man ever has...until they do a 180° and call you a bitch in the middle of a small fight. Yup! Dating a narcissist and unpacking his or her behavior can feel incredibly damaging and exhausting—so here's a handy list of 11 signs you need to move on:

1. They did everything to win you over...in the beginning.

If you're deeply confused as to how someone who used to text you nonstop and told you they loved you by date two suddenly seems rude and distant, that might be your first sign.

"Narcissists are masters of love bombing, where they make a potential partner feel as special as they possibly can," says Dr. Suzanne Degges-White, Ph.D., chair and professor of counseling and counselor education at Northern Illinois University.

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And narcissists might be better at wooing you than someone who actually loves you, because they're motivated by winning you over instead of actually getting to know you. What can seem like the most romantic gestures or thoughtful gifts can simply be them studying you to know exactly how to be the "perfect" partner to you.

"Narcissists are adept at winning affection from their targets early on, but they have trouble maintaining long-term relationships," Degges-White says.

2. They're wildly selfish when they can get away with it.

When you're past the honeymoon stage of the relationship or simply around other people, a narcissist will be the most courteous, attentive partner. But when no one who matters is looking (which, down the line, includes you), they'll very openly put their needs above yours.

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"Narcissists see people as objects and often leave their romantic partners feeling more like an accessory than a living, breathing, feeling partner," Degges-White says. She notes that a good sign to look out for is their motivation for buying you gifts–do they do it out of nowhere, for no reason, other than to make you smile? Or do they shell out on special occasions only or shower you with flowers after they screamed at you during a fight?

The first is a sign of a genuinely caring partner who thinks of you. The latter is someone buying your affection so you'll stay even when they're a total nightmare to be around.

3. They care more about your image as a couple than the relationship itself.

A narcissist's self-inflicted pressure to be flawless doesn't end with them–once you're his or her partner, you're obligated to fulfill the Insta-perfect ideal of the power couple he or she wants to be.

"Narcissists don’t focus on growth in a relationship."

"When a narcissist feels that they're losing face publicly, it creates a lot of inner distress because they cannot tolerate failure, and public humiliation is the worst type of failure [ to them]," says Degges-White. She adds that their ego is very fragile, so any perceived "attack" on their reputation makes them furious.

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For example, say you get into a small, calm argument while you're out at dinner. Instead of addressing the conflict, a narcissist will get angry that you're "embarrassing them" in front of people they'll never see again. What started out as you asking them to please text when they're running late turns into a huge fight at home because you "ruined the whole night" by bringing it up in public.

"Narcissists don’t focus on growth in a relationship, because their own self-assessment confirms to them that they are already significantly evolved and accomplished," Degges-White says. They will always prioritize looking like a picturesque couple over actually addressing your needs.

4. They're constantly nitpicking everything you do.

When bae first met you, they loved EVERYTHING about you. Now, those same things–the sound of your laugh, your penchant for wearing Doc Martens, your love of bad reality TV–are a problem.

"Narcissists tend to hold some specific image of what they want their partner to be like and they don’t 'challenge you' to grow, they try to force your 'growth,'" Degges-White says. "What they are really trying to do is control your behaviors and your choices."

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A warning sign: your partner being convinced that his or her point of view on how you should behave is 1000 percent right. Another thing to look out for is if they always criticize how you behave around friends–you made a joke that didn't land or accidentally cut someone off and you're a terrible, selfish person because of it.

Degges-White also notes that someone who actually cares about you checks in with you that you're on the same page about things you want to improve and work on (which is important in a relationship). They calmly discuss how they feel and reach a compromise with you instead of berating you for not falling in line.

5. It's literally impossible to argue with them.

The reason fights with narcissists are so volatile and deeply confusing is actually very simple: They're never wrong.

Degges-White says that while a narcissist may agree with your complaints in the dating phase of the relationship, that all goes away in time. "Disagreements and arguments are often highly lopsided–their partners plead with them to see things from another perspective, but narcissists are unable to accomplish a feat of this level of emotional maturity."

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This is simply because narcissists believe they are done growing and that their version of the truth is ultimate and infallible. You could have screenshots of what they said to you earlier and they'll still find a way to say that's not reality or what they meant.

Degges-White says that narcissists are more likely to threaten breakups or give harsh ultimatums if you refuse to concede and apologize, even if you have serious doubts about being wrong at all. It's the ultimate form of gaslighting, and it happens all the time with them.

6. They're masters at making you think that ~you're~ the dramatic one.

As if explosive fights weren't bad enough, narcissists also have a knack for convincing you that you're actually the drama queen who starts all the conflicts, all the time.

"Narcissists are manipulators who have no qualms about twisting a partner’s words or actions in a way that would make the partner feel guilty or remorseful about things they have no reason to feel bad about," Degges-White says.

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Just by bringing up an issue, you're "blowing everything up again." By calmly standing your ground and explaining your perspective, you're "stubborn" or "angry" or "crazy" or "selfish." They'll never get that they're the ones who refuse to compromise in any capacity and draw out fights because they can't handle ever being wrong.

7. They're repeatedly shitty to their friends, and don't have any close ones.

Narcissists don't really have friends as much as collector's items. They use their charm to form tons of surface-level friendships but do no work to maintain them, according to Degges-White.

"To be in an authentic relationship requires that a person is able to let down their guard," she says. "Narcissists are terrified of being seen as human as that would crack open the image that they try to project as 'super human.'”

A narcissist will blow people off with no explanation, counting on them to continually reach out to hang out. They'll never truly be there for a friend if it inconveniences them and doesn't make them look charitable or kind. And of course, that leaks into their romantic relationships.

8. They have a roster of "crazy exes."

By now, it's pretty common knowledge that if a guy calls his exes crazy, he's the one with the problem. And maybe "crazy" isn't so much used as "difficult," "had issues," "loved drama" when describing all their past partners.

Narcissists want to be perceived as the victim in all their relationships.

"Narcissists who are especially good at winning the affection and praise of others are likely to also have a lot of broken relationships," Degges-White says. Makes sense–being self-obsessed with your image is not exactly the foundation of a healthy relationship.

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But she also says that narcissists want to be perceived as the victim in all their relationships, embellishing their great qualities while vilifying their exes to achieve that image. Anytime a narcissist's first comment on past relationships is what the ex did wrong over what they both might've struggled with is a good sign they haven't learned anything.

9. They're suddenly really sweet again the moment you show a hint of independence.

Narcissists are often dubbed emotional vampires for a good reason: they need your constant attention and affection to feel ok (but ironically, treat you like trash once they get their fix).

So naturally, when you go out with your friends more or spend some time on your own (very normal things), they panic. "If you try to claim some space for yourself, the narcissist may feel that you are trying to strip away part of their own identity," Degges-White says. "When you back away, they're going to try that much harder to reel you back into their lives."

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In order to regain their sense of self-worth, narcissists may start showering you with gifts or simply being more warm and affectionate when you come home late. And tiny things, like forgetting to wear the necklace they bought you, can trigger this (or just another huge fight).

10. They lash out when they realize they're replaceable.

Eventually, you'll probably be put off by a narcissist's exhausting behavior and start to emotionally pull away for real. And that's when they get mad.

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According to Degges-White, when they feel that they are losing you for good, they can do everything from flirt or cheat with someone to make you jealous, to threatening to leave first so they don't lose face.

Their actions are callous because your only value was to be an accessory, and now that you maybe aren't, bye bye. To them, it's better to be an outright asshole and break your heart over being the one who's left first, because it gives them the sense of control they simply can't live without.

....According to Degges-White, when they feel that they are losing you for good, they can do everything from flirt or cheat with someone to make you jealous, to threatening to leave first so they don't lose face.

11. Dating them makes you feel worse about yourself.

Based on everything on this list, you can probably guess that a narcissist is not going to make you feel great about yourself over time. The repeated criticism over the smallest issues, gaslighting in arguments, and inability to ever admit fault inevitably takes an emotional toll on someone who is empathetic and in the relationship to try and make it work.

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"You may begin to accept that you are less than your partner and begin to belittle yourself and accept criticism as deserved, whether it really is or not," Degges-White says. This creates a codependent relationship: "The relationship can become something like a yoyo–you try to get some distance, but get sucked right back into the old patterns," she adds.

Let's rephrase that, it's so important...Ten signs of the Narcissist

“That’s enough of me talking about myself; let’s hear you talk about me.”

― Anonymous narcissist

“It’s not easy being superior to everyone I know.”

― Anonymous narcissist

The Mayo Clinic research group defines narcissistic personality disorder as “a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they're superior to others and have little regard for other people's feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism.” This alternate persona to the real self often comes across as grandiose, “above others,” self-absorbed, and highly conceited.

How do you know when you’re dating a narcissist? Here are ten telltale signs, with excerpts from my book (click on title): “How to Successfully Handle Narcissists”. While most of us are guilty of some of the following behaviors at one time or another, a pathological narcissist tends to dwell habitually in several of the following personas, while remaining largely unaware of (or unconcerned with) how her or his actions affect others.

1. Loves to Talk About Oneself

One of the easiest ways to detect a possible narcissist is by listening to the way he or she speaks. A pathological narcissist loves to talk about himself, often in exaggerated and grandiose terms. She is also someone who’s likely to dominate a conversation. Common conversational topics for narcissists include accomplishments and achievements (the trophy complex), exciting and envy-worthy activities, excessive focus on personal issues and concerns, excessive focus on looks and materialism, and putting others down to show one’s own superiority.

2. Charming and Romantic – But with a Catch

Many narcissists can come across as alluring and attractive, especially during the initial stages of a relationship, when they’re trying to win you over. Like a master salesperson, they use charisma to get your attention, flattery to make you feel special, seduction (flirting, gifts, dinners, get-aways, sex, etc.) to lift you off your feet, and persuasion to get you to give them what they want.

While there’s absolutely nothing wrong inherently with being charming, romantic, and a good lover, the narcissist crafts these traits in order to use others. He or she is not really interested in you, but only what he wants to extract from you (often to fulfill an inner emptiness due to the inability to create true intimacy).

3. Lack of Reliability and Follow Through

Another way to spot a narcissist is to measure her or his actions against her words. Many narcissists lack reliability and follow through. This can range from regularly breaking appointments, to habitually falling through on promises and agreements. The lack of dependability can be emotional as well - being there for you one minute and gone the next. When you observe a pattern of inconsistency between what your partner says, versus what she or he actually does, you may be dealing with a narcissist.

4. Instant Gratification

Some narcissists, being highly self-centered and self-absorbed, expect instant gratification to fulfill their needs. This may range from goading you to answer their texts or calls immediately, to pressuring you to do things their way (socially, interpersonally, and/or sexually). A quick way to detect a possible narcissist is to gently say “no,” or “let me think about it” to a request you’re not comfortable with, and see how your date responds. If she or he tries hard to persuade you and wouldn’t let up, or shows signs of impatience, irritation, or anger (like a petulant child), take note.

5. Rule Breaker and Boundary Violator

The narcissist often enjoys getting away with violating rules and social norms, such as cutting in line, chronic under-tipping, stealing office supplies, breaking multiple appointments, or disobeying traffic laws.

“I take pride in persuading people to give me exceptions to their rules.”

― Anonymous narcissist

In addition, pathological narcissists often show wanton disregard for other people’s thoughts, feelings, possessions, time, and physical space. They overstep and use others without consideration or sensitivity, taking pride, rather than showing remorse, of their Machiavellian deeds.

6. Entitlement

Narcissists often expect preferential treatment from others. They expect people to cater to their needs, without being considerate in return. In their mindset, the world revolves around them. For instance, pay attention to how your date treats service people, such as a waitress or waiter, and other support staff. If he or she orders them around like he’s the king, or picks on minor service flaws, be aware. At some point your date may begin to exercise similar entitlement towards you.

7. Manipulation: Using Others to Extend Oneself

Some narcissists will use his or her romantic partner to meet unreasonable self-serving needs, fulfill unrealized ambitions, or cover up self-perceived inadequacies and flaws.

“I can’t wait to show you off to my friends and make them jealous!”

― Anonymous narcissist

“I talked my girlfriend into letting me live with her rent free. I also get to use her car.”

― Anonymous narcissist

8. Constantly Puts Others Down

In order to put up a facade of superiority, and disguise hidden insecurity and inadequacy, some narcissists will constantly put other people down, to boost their own desirability and acceptability. Targets of their negative talk may include “inferior” colleagues, “incompetent” managers, “clueless” friends, and “flawed” former relations. During the initial phase of dating, the narcissist may pour on the charm and entice you with many compliments. However, even during this stage, pay attention to your date’s seemingly minor, passive-aggressive jokes and comments about your background, body features, choice of attire, use of time, as well as personal and work priorities. Consider whether these remarks are reasonable, or reflect your date’s selfish desire for you to “change for the better”.

9. Reacts Negatively When You Don’t Give Them What They Want

Since many narcissists can't stand disappointment or rejection, they will frequently react negatively when you don’t give them what they want, in the way they want it. Some of the common responses include:

Anger – Tantrum. Negative judgment. Personal attacks. Ridicule.

Passive-Aggression – The cold shoulder. The silent treatment. Withhold of love and affection (such as it is). Sarcasm. Calculated separation.

Emotional Coercion – Blame. Guilt trip. Calling the partner ungrateful. Threaten to withhold love and intimacy (such as it is). Pretend narcissistic victimhood.

10. Lack of Commitment to a Serious Relationship

If you and your partner have been dating for a good length of time, and your partner is unwilling to make a serious commitment, it may be cause for concern. There are many possible reasons for a partner’s lack of commitment. Some are highly reasonable and deserve serious consideration. Others, however, may be highly selfish. What distinguishes a narcissist’s lack of commitment is his or her desire to keep the status quo with you, reap the benefits of intimacy, while keeping an eye out for other, perhaps more eligible (in the narcissist’s view) prospects.

If you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist, there are many strategies and skills you can utilize to help restore health, balance, and respect. In my book (click on title): “How to Successfully Handle Narcissists,” you'll learn how to maintain composure, ways to be proactive instead of reactive, seven powerful strategies to handle narcissists, eight ways to say “no” diplomatically but firmly, keys to negotiate successfully with narcissists, and seven types of power you can utilize to compel cooperation.

The only way you break the cycle is when the narcissist leaves you out of boredom or anger, or you spot these signs and get out of there (and possibly seek therapy to heal from the emotional damage). If you're reading this list and something in your gut just sank, know you deserve better and don't need to stay in this. There's a lot of love out there for you, but it'll never come from this person.

Pocket

Pocket worthy

Why Do People Mistake Narcissism for High Self-Esteem?

Why people form such positive first impressions of narcissists.

Scientific American

The "charismatic air" of narcissists-- from their flashy attire, to their self-assured behaviors, to their charming glances, to their witty humor-- often makes a big first impression. At the same time, people seem to be really good at accurately perceiving narcissism in others based on minimal information (even just physical appearance is usually enough of a cue to accurately perceive narcissism). Which raises an interesting question: why are narcissists-- which are characterized by extremely high levels of exhibitionism, arrogance, sense of superiority, vanity, entitlement, exploitativeness, and the incessant need for acclaim from others-- so attractive?

Canadian researchers Miranda Giacomin and Christian Jordan thought there might be more than meets the narcissistic eye. To shed further light on the allure of narcissism, they examined whether narcissists make positive first impressions because people may confuse narcissism for high self-esteem. While many people tend to think that narcissists score sky high in self-esteem, the association between narcissism and self-esteem is actually rather small, and narcissism and self-esteem have very different developmental pathways and outcomes.*

Those with a healthy self-esteem believe they are worthy and competent, and strive for intimate, meaningful connections with others, but do not necessarily see themselves as superior to others. In contrast, narcissists think they are superior to others, but they don't necessarily view themselves as worthy. Indeed, because they often lack an inner stable sense of self-security, the narcissists' sense of self-esteem is often almost entirely dependent on the validation of others. Could it be that people are confusing the two?

This is just what the researchers found. People who scored high in narcissism and self-esteem were perceived as having higher self-esteem than people who were equally high in self-esteem but less narcissistic. They even looked at dating profiles and found that heterosexual female participants indicated greater interest in meeting males who were more narcissistic based on their Tinder profile pictures, and this effect was specifically explained by higher perception of self-esteem, not narcissism. These results suggest that perceptions of narcissism were being overridden by the positive effect of perceptions of self-esteem on liking.

But here's the kicker: perceptions of narcissism by itself were associated with less liking of the person. In fact, the pattern of greater liking of narcissists was reversed when perceivers were explicitly told that narcissistic targets scored high in narcissism. In these cases, people preferred those who scored high in self-esteem but low in narcissism.

Why do people perceive narcissists as having especially high self-esteem?

These findings suggest that those scoring high in narcissism make positive first impressions because people perceive them to have high self-esteem, causing them to overlook their narcissism (even in dating profiles). However, people aren't attracted to the narcissism per se, and the pattern of greater liking was reversed when perceivers were explicitly told that people scored high in narcissism. Why are so many people misperceiving narcissism as self-esteem? The researchers raise some possibilities.

One possibility is that people hold an implicit belief that narcissists have exceptionally high self-esteem, and so perceptions of narcissism may lead them to infer higher self-esteem. This possibility seems unlikely considering perceptions of narcissism were negatively associated with liking of the person.

A more likely explanation is that narcissists are expert manipulators of the signals associated with self-esteem. Self-esteem is a socially valuable trait, and other studies have also found that people are viewed more positively when they are perceived as having higher levels of self-esteem. It's likely that those scoring high in narcissism are very aware of this fact, and strategically present themselves in ways that convey high self-esteem.

There is also likely an interaction between the perceiver and the narcissist. It takes two to tango. Because those scoring higher in narcissism do tend to be more popular and have larger social networks than those scoring lower in narcissism, people may have the drive to associate with them to attain status by association. After all, to have narcissistic needs is to be human, and narcissists are very good at drawing in vulnerable people who are particularly deficient in their esteem needs.

With that said, some people may be more likely than others to perceive narcissists more positively not because they are vulnerable, but because they have their own extremely high drive for social status and power, and think the narcissist can help them reach their goals. It would be interesting for future studies to look at the narcissism levels of the perceiver.

While narcissists can be so alluring at first, the attraction is likely to falter once people begin to recognize the narcissists' less desirable qualities and the superficial nature of the connection. Indeed, narcissists live in the "emerging zone", situations involving unacquainted individuals, early-stage relationships, and short-term contexts. It is in this zone that narcissists are more likely to be perceived positively, because they are motivated to make a good first impression.

In contrast, narcissists tend to crash and burn in the "enduring zone", situations involving acquainted individuals, continuing relationships, and long-term consequences. As the relationship develops, narcissists start displaying behaviors that are evaluated negatively, such as arrogance and aggression. Narcissists cyclically return to the emerging zone because they are addicted to the positive social feedback and emotional rush they get from the emerging zone. As a result, they are good at being popular, making new friends, and acquiring social status, but often have great difficulties sustaining meaningful and intimate relationships.

Implications

There are obvious implications here for dating and politics. In the realm of dating, often the most valuable dating partners will not announce themselves with flashy attire and a perfectly orchestrated smile. In fact, it's quite the opposite: those with a healthy self-esteem usually don't feel the incessant need to announce their greatest qualities upfront, because they are confident that all will be revealed in time (they have a stable sense of worth). Perhaps we should all give people more of a chance in the realm of dating and relationships, and not mistake being reserved or even just quietly confident as a lack of self-esteem.

In terms of implications for politics, consider this study: "Is high self-esteem a path to the White House? The implicit theory of self-esteem and the willingness to vote for presidential candidates." Since so many people are swayed in their voting decisions by their perceptions of the self-esteem levels of the candidates, it seems important to accurately distinguish between narcissism and high self-esteem-- especially considering that the current president of the United States is giving so much hope and inspiration to narcissistic entertainers that they, too, can one day become president.

Finally, I think there are some important implications for those scoring high in narcissism. I like to think compassionately about all different sources of variation, and I think those who score high on the narcissistic spectrum create a lot of unnecessary suffering for themselves as well as others. Instead of spending so much strategically manipulating the perceptions of others, I believe their time would be better spent cultivating a real sense of self-worth, and genuinely mastering things that make them feel proud of their earned competence.

While we often don't think about narcissists as suffering, and it's very easy to look at the showy exhibitionist with mocking glee, we must recognize that to be narcissistic is human, and we all shift our placement on the spectrum throughout our lives. When grandiosity gets too big (my colleague Emmanuel Jauk and I have quantified this tipping point), it can lead to great vulnerability, fear, anxiety, and even depression. Therefore, accurately distinguishing between narcissism and healthy self-esteem is pretty important, not only for the perceiver who scores low in narcissism, but also for those who are addicted to esteem.

Note: A big limitation of these studies is that it that they are mostly conducted on college undergraduates. There is undoubtedly a huge age effect here, and as people get older they most likely become more accurate at distinguishing between narcissism and high self-esteem, and are less likely to find narcissistic displays of confidence attractive even at first acquaintance.

Scott Barry Kaufman is a psychologist at Columbia University exploring intelligence, creativity, personality and well-being. In addition to writing the column Beautiful Minds for Scientific American, he also hosts The Psychology Podcast, and is author and/or editor of 8 books, including Wired to Create: Unravelling the Mysteries of the Creative Mind(with Carolyn Gregoire) and Ungifted: Intelligence Redefined. Find out more at http://ScottBarryKaufman.com.

The views expressed are those of the author(s) and are not necessarily those of Scientific American.